This year taught me that my loneliness has more to do with myself than anyone else. The loneliest I will ever be is when I do not have the strength to love myself.
how on earth is july over…?

a weekend for the soul:

thursday means the first visit back to my college town as an alum to celebrate the birthday of a college friend who i also happen to have known since fourth grade. bailey’s, mean girls, taylor swift & the tacos that got us through every late college night.

friday means houston and best friend and being adults together for the first time. it means frozen margaritas in midtown with the spiciest salsa and the best brisket tacos. it means tipsy walks through the nightlife scene and laughter and long talks about all the important things.

saturday means sleeping in and heading to galveston with spice girls pandora on full volume the whole way. it means wind and sand and yoga and selfies and seagulls and seaweed and murky gulf water and just more time spent with one of the best humans. it means leaving the car a sandy mess, buying vanilla coke instead of regular and lifting each other up when we don’t feel _______ enough.

saturday night means getting dolled up together again, worlds colliding, new & old friends, king cup, flirting, so much laughter, so much booze, swapping travel stories. cab rides, crowded bars, two-stepping to not-country, whiskey sours, feeling alive.

sunday means comfy clothes, chipotle, naps, swimming, beer, an amazing salad for dinner and more of the best talks with my favorite human. chocolate molten cake, ‘worst first date’ stories and getting along with my sister. weird food network shows and the new (and strange) world of tinder.

and the only thing better than one weekend with my favorite human? two! going back in three weeks and i may or may not already be counting down the days. can’t i just pack her in my suitcase and take her to france with me?

things i know to be true:
(stealing this post idea from becky)

i am so immensely, insanely and incredibly loved by so many wonderful people.

grenoble has a way of seeping into your bones and connecting you with others who have experienced its magic. dinner with a friend monday who has now also lived there lit my soul on fire.

there is no ‘right’ way to feel at any given time of life. being master over those feelings is a far more superior goal.

being honest - with myself, with others - will always, always be the better option, though not always the easiest.

i am strong. stronger than i’ve probably ever been. and i’m not scared anymore. i’m only sad; letting go of something beautiful that just wasn’t the right fit is so much harder than letting go of something messy and harmful.

harry potter will always be a superb indicator of friendship potential.

&

i’ve come a long way in seven months, but there is so much more of myself to discover. i will never not make that a priority again.

i’m not sure which is the worse part, knowing there is nothing more i could have done for you/us, or the simple fact that i will never understand why you are choosing to walk away, without any real reason.

three years, one month, twenty-one days; you made me the happiest girl alive.

this is a hurt that feels too big.

dinner of champions (and those too hungry to wait 45 min for veggies to roast).

today:

cuddles, visa paperwork (so.much.paperwork.), the neighbourhood, the head & the heart, emails on emails on emails, file folders, swimsuit ordering, jewelry online-window shopping, sister talks, iced coffee, walk with madre, quality caturday play time. 

i haven’t been very ‘self-present’ the past few weeks. i’ve neglected my soul and its need for looking after and its got me in an all-too-familiar funk. which is in turn negatively affecting my relationships. working to again be more mindful, to stay focused on the positive drishtis that i found for myself this spring. because this alternative version of me and my life is just simply not gonna fly.

dinner of champions (and those too hungry to wait 45 min for veggies to roast).

today:

cuddles, visa paperwork (so.much.paperwork.), the neighbourhood, the head & the heart, emails on emails on emails, file folders, swimsuit ordering, jewelry online-window shopping, sister talks, iced coffee, walk with madre, quality caturday play time.

i haven’t been very ‘self-present’ the past few weeks. i’ve neglected my soul and its need for looking after and its got me in an all-too-familiar funk. which is in turn negatively affecting my relationships. working to again be more mindful, to stay focused on the positive drishtis that i found for myself this spring. because this alternative version of me and my life is just simply not gonna fly.

yoga & one mile. its a start.

also, it is almost noon on july 18 in texas and its only 70*. i’m sorry, what? i must have missed it when we entered the twilight zone (but i am sure as heck not complaining).

I need to fall back in love with myself.

i am enough
i am enough
i am enough
.

"fear being paralyzing is a choice." - max, the ever-wise tough-love-giver, aka ‘the boy’.

fear and excuses. they go hand in hand, especially for me. i’ve always been a cautious person, timid when it came to new things/experiences/etc. if there was a risk involved (especially of bodily harm) i was more likely to opt out, sitting on the sidelines with my nose buried in a book, where adventures were possible and 100% safe (for me, at least).

say yes. this is an idea i have wanted to build my life around over the course of a few months. say yes, take the leap, jump off the cliff, be adventurous. and in things that required no risk of bodily injury (moving to france in the fall) i was eager to do just that: to say yes, to jump, to leap.

—————————————

it turns out that saying yes to actually jumping off cliffs (well, repelling down from and climbing man-made ones) is a lot scarier for me than moving halfway across the world. but that’s what rock climbing is going to be for me: an exercise in conquering fear. and i intend to do just that.

life has been quiet yet busy around here recently. so here’s a video (the first ever of me, i think?) of me singing/playing “find the light” by david ramirez on ukulele.

i am 100% self-taught, so don’t get your hopes up too high.
i just enjoy doing this, and feel like this song is so important.

he wrote this for his mother.